Here, Here: Cheap Beer
Slam a PBR. Shotgun a Keystone Light (that’s Keith Stone*). Frogmarch four pitchers of Bud Light (25 cents a pitcher until midnight. It’s called Beat the Clock. Should’a went to State!) across the creaky third-floor bar that’s named after the feeling we’ll have in the morning: Groggy, Grog for short. If we’re celebrating, give me a couple of sake shots and a Sapporo to down the filtered fermented rice wine. In Seattle, it’s Rainier. In New York it’s Tecate or PBR (or McSorley's Old Ale House, light and dark, please). In Vietnam, it’s Bia Lao. In Mexico City, it’s Victoria. In Florida, it’s Natty Light (Natalies and Nathaniels—stop calling yourself this).
Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to write about cheap beer. The bottom of the barrel. The stuff that goes down like water. Irreconcilable from carbonated piss (too far? too far). And the solution that saved civilization.
Everyone's seen the poster poorly plastered to generic frat bro's closet door and immediately regretted walking into the room, "Drink Up! There's Sober Kids In India." Fuck that. We got Taj Mahal. Kingfisher. 1947. Also apparently Royal Challenge, Godfathers, Biggie Brewklyn, The Black Mamba, Rupee, and Simba? Whoever named Indian Beer, we need to hire you as America's copywriter.
Hey two white guys cheersing over nothing they know about, I want to recreate this poster with two brown girls cheersing pieces of naan over a stew of Chicken Tikka Masala with the caption, "Eat Up! There's Bland Guys in the UK". (Yeah, yeah we all know Butter Chicken is the national dish of Great Britain, save it Ramsay fanboy culture clowns.)
Back to my other soap box. Oh yeah, cheap beer. Look, I love craft brews just as much as the next Dave Franco, or dude-pretending-to-be-a-lumberjack-but-just-rents-a-fancy-garage (AKA yeast nerd). I love me some Goze-y Pozy Sour Ale from a nondescript oversized shack in Bushwick. Craft beer is good. That's the bottom line. But so is cheap beer. Another bottom line. And cider (yes, cider, I said it). Ever heard of a triple bottom line? Sorry for overextending an extended metaphor.
It's simple, full of nostalgia, and most of all, it serves its purpose. The last call. Specifically at the hotel bar in Asheville, North Carolina that stops selling alcohol way too early by city standards, so they won't make you a cocktail, but hey, what do ya know? Their kegs still pullin' and "I got a fiver with your name on it. Well, your name's not on it. It's Abe's. But it's all good in the hood." And you've said all this out loud, and against their better judgement the bartender pulls the shiny lever, and out pours the amber waves of gold you were promised from that one patriotic song (they all jumble together at this hour of the night), cascading bubbles, frothy head and all. It's like a Budweiser Super Bowl commercial. Horses galloping and shit with nowhere important to go, but the prairie. And you sit at the shitty bar and enjoy your cheap beer. Maybe it's a pilsner or a lager or a saison or a blonde or witbier or a pale ale or an india pale ale or a double india pale ale or a... Who knows? You've tried hard to learn these names and what they mean. But it's always at this hour when it all sounds the same. Hops. And more hops. Triple IPA. Some dudes with so much time they really went for it. The point is: Here, here for cheap beer!
Chaser:
Now here's when we can talk a bit of craft (not that Craft, lit nerds—craft beer). Who knew what the beer industry needed was just some diversity? (We all did,) Currently, my favorite is the all-women-run outpost in Williamsburg, Brooklyn: Talea. White interiors, clean lines, and a modern aesthetic. Not a gear, rusted tank, or decrepit wood table from the Great Depression in sight. The beer is a wonder. My favorite? The Sun-Up IPA, which tastes of mangoes and nectarine. They’re switchin' it up with beer cocktails and some innovative sours that taste more like natural wine than beer. Try making your own at home. Here's a starter: Bourbon & Honey Beer Cocktail! A shot of bourbon, a squeeze of fresh lemon juice, a teaspoon of honey, and a light beer (any run-of-the-mill lager will do), a couple dashes of bitters. Mix in a cocktail shaker full of ice until the honey dissolves, and strain into a pint glass. Simple and delicious.
*I watched way too many Keystone Light commercials as “research”
