Please Wear a Helmet to Protect Your Heart
by Osama Shehzad
Our records indicate that you use Citi Bike less than the average rider. Why?
a. I don’t have a helmet.
b. Cars.
c. All of the above.
Our records indicate that you have never used Citi Bike when it is raining. Why?
a. I will die.
b. Cars have a lower coefficient of friction on wet roads, so a driver will underestimate their braking distance in the rain, inadvertently end up hitting me, and I will die.
c. The seat is wet.
What’s the worst that can happen to you when you ride a bike?
a. I will die.
b. I will die and no one will realize that I’m gone.
c. I won’t have anywhere to go.
Why did you buy a yearlong membership if you are scared to ride bikes?
a. After a lovely afternoon stroll in the park, my delightful date suggested we bike across the Brooklyn Bridge to her apartment. Yes, I replied immediately. But then as I stood at the Citi Bike kiosk, the thought of dodging tourists and, while trying to avoid hitting them, jettisoning myself off the bridge, paralyzed me with fear and doubt. I wondered if I should come clean to my date and recommend taking an Uber or a long walk instead, but then I realized how weak and undesirable this would make me look and decided that I was going to fight my fear for this love and I somehow mustered up the courage to tap the kiosk screen. I was then hit by an overwhelming amount of options: $3.75 for the single trip seemed unnecessarily expensive when compared to the safety and relative reliability of the subway; but $150 for a yearly membership seemed like a great deal, especially when it could lead to a lifetime of love, happiness, and cardio with my incredibly adventurous potential life partner, who was by now aggressively tapping her foot with impatience. I thought if I was going to spend $150 on a bike rental for a year, I might just as well check if it was possible to buy an actual bike somewhere nearby on Facebook Marketplace – maybe my date might find my spontaneity seductive. Eventually I came to the slow and thoroughly researched – but somehow in hindsight, hasty – decision of getting a yearlong membership. When I finally turned around joyously waving the bike unlock code in my hand, I was hit by a truck of sudden sadness when I realized that my date had already set off on her bike without me.
Do you blame them for not waiting?
a. I blame myself for taking too long to make a decision.
What will you do when you inevitably see them on a dating app?
a. Swipe right.
b. Swipe left.
c. Stare at their photos for a while and then close the app and then open it again hoping that the app has refreshed and shows someone else instead.
Why the indecision?
a. …
b. …
What are you scared of?
a. Everything?
…?
a. Distracted drivers.
b. Getting caught in the moment, making the wrong decision, and then living with regret.
c. The deeply embedded flaws of algorithmic decision-making outfitting self-driving cars.
When do you not feel scared?
a. Every time I leave my home, I get an eerie feeling that I’ve forgotten something. I am scared that it is something important; something that others can see that I am missing — maybe my face or my hands or maybe just my keys? It can’t be my keys because I remember locking the door with them and can’t be my hands because I see my hands swinging blissfully next to me. Maybe my iPhone? But then I feel the iPhone in my jean pocket. Maybe it is my headphones? Ah yes, it is the headphones because I can’t find them in any of my pockets. Fuck headphones, who needs them anyways, I assure myself. Once I know what I have forgotten, and what I am missing, I feel less scared.
Would you be more interested in our new significantly faster electric bikes?
a. Hell no.
Why have you not canceled your yearlong Citi Bike membership yet?
a. Cancellation Fees.
b. I am secretly hoping to meet someone new while docking my Citi Bike.
c. I don’t want to die alone.
Osama Shehzad is a writer from Karachi living in New York City. Learn more at oshehzad.com.
