The Too-Late Column
by Elliot Alpern
3 A.M.
With special guests, Timothée Chalamet! John Turturro! And music from, Glass Animals! With us as always, it’s Standing Fan and the House Noise Band, and Bennie Salazar at the podium…
…and now, the man who only sleeps in daylight, your host…
Elllllllliottttt Aaalllllllperrrrrnnnnn!
Thank you! Thank you all, so much, please, have a seat! Please, thank you so much. Welcome to the Too Late Column; this is the first Too Late Column at No Contact…
[APPLAUSE]
So welcome. I’m Elliot Alpern, and I’ll be your host… for now. But no, really, it’s a tremendous honor, and, frankly, I don’t even know how we ended up here. I mean, let’s face it folks, there’s not even a live studio audience! Unless you count my sourdough starter Bennie Salazar…
[laughter]
And that’s just the mold I do know about, folks. Now listen – I know this is all coming together at a strange time. You’re where you are; I’m in a one-bedroom apartment where the bathroom is through that bedroom, which also contains my sleeping wife. What’s the joke here Bennie? Wake my wife, please?
[laughter]
Ladies and gentleman, I want to begin tonight by telling you a little story. I was sitting here listening to Glass Animals, as one does at three AM, and I happened to see a dog galloping up our block. No jogging hipster, nobody with him; dead of night, mind you. And I stood — folks, I stood up, like that was going to affect some grand change on this, somehow. And not a few seconds pass that I see not one, but two police SUVs blaze up the block after him. Lights on, no siren. And they’re going wrong way folks, on a one way street, just gunning after this dog. So what do you do?
…
No really folks, what do you do?
…
Bennie, any thoughts?
…You go catch that dog boss
[laughter]
You go… aha, oh my god… you go catch that dog Bennie? Well I’ll tell you what I did. The next morning I sat down, and you know what — I had a good, long think, about whether I even saw that dog at all. Now — hey, I know, we’ve got some great guests for you tonight folks, and I promise you we’ll get to them, but... You know, this is important to me. And I want to talk about this for a little bit, if you’ll stay with me.
[Thoughtful Silence]
The problem these days folks, is that I’m not dreaming anymore. Not really, and when I do, it’s so, gosh, darned, mundane. “Oh Elliot, our new candle is coming this week,” I think I remember Gauraa telling me, and then, we didn’t even order a candle! And here I’m steaming, all because I just want it to smell like Lemon Verbana in here!
[laughter]
And it gets me thinking. The dog, the memory of the dog, it’s in a cell right? Who’s to say that cell didn’t get tricked, the same way I keep checking the mail for my candle?
[Where is he going with this]
Now, I had a friend back in high school, his name was Kyle but we’re gonna call him Phil to keep him anonymous, alright? Anyway, one day after school, Phil and a bunch of his friends drove up to Brighton and bought some Salvia at a head shop. Folks, if you haven’t heard of that, it’s just a teensy, tiny, ultra-powerful psychadelic that was legal, on a technicality. Not for children, in other words.
[Uproarious Laughter]
Anyway, Kyle smokes this Salvia stuff, and he falls onto his back, and he’s just out. I mean, his eyes are open, they’re wide open actually, but nobody’s home. And Kyle — fuck, I mean Phil — Phil spends a good ten minutes like that. And then he comes back. And he’s sweating dark patches into his shirt and he tells us — get ready for this folks, I swear to god, this is what he says…. are you ready?
[I guess]
“I just lived a whole life as a kangaroo.” A-ha! Right? “A whole life as a kangaroo!” And so we ask him, “Kyle, what does mean?” and he says, “I lived a whole life. I had a kangaroo wife, and we were in love, and we had kangaroo children, and I had a job, and we grew old.” Isn’t that just a gosh-darned riot? And so, folks, anyway, you see what I mean. Cells just getting confused on what they’re supposed to remember, and then you got a whole kangaroo life rattling around your head, as you go on trying to live your normal, non-kangaroo life. So I guess all I’m trying to say, folks, is that — these things are tenuous. Hold on to what you can. And don’t smoke Salvia.
[Applause]
Isn’t that right Bennie?
…You go catch that dog boss
[laughter; tears]
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Bennie. Folks we’ve got a great show for you this year; Timothée Chalamet has got to be around here somewhere and there’s many more guests if not! Please don’t go anywhere, and stay tuned — we’ll be right back.