Inside the Editor’s Studio with Bennie Salazar

3 A.M.

Special Guest: Elliot Alpern

Bennie Salazar: Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Tonight’s guest will be a familiar name, to many. He is a Founding Editor at No Contact, the writer of the 3 AM Column, and he has starred in over one hundred and forty appearances, as a sleeping man, on the living room couch. The Editor’s Studio is honored to welcome to our page, the questionable wisdom, of Elliot Alpern. 



[Scattered, unenthusiastic applause]

Elliot Alpern: Thanks for having me here, Bennie. 



BS: The choice was all yours. 



EA: I’m sorry? 


BS: Elliot, let’s begin with the question on everyone’s mind: Why would you reject my submission, you garbage person, it’s clearly better than anything else on No Contact? 

EA: Well, I hope we were, uh — jeez, right out of the gate huh?  

Okay, well — I guess I hope that we’re pretty direct and honest in our responses, if we can be. We get submissions that just, actually, don’t quite fit. And I never understood that concept, “fit,” until I started working as an editor. But it’s a real thing; many submissions just won’t fit in with the Issue we’ve planned. Fit. Fit. Oh god, that word thing is happening, where it starts sounding so alien. Fit.   

Anyway, we really do consider each one entirely, and carefully, with multiple reads. And we never close the door on a writer! 

BS: Sensational, truly. And, if you could guide your responses toward clarity, that would be much appreciated. Moving forth — 

EA: I’m sorry, I know I get — 

BS: Yes, yes, you do get. Now, please, moving forth — if you wouldn’t mind, tell us a bit about your July. Each week seems, a new change? 


EA: Well, yeah. We have this cactus here in the apartment, it’s been growing a centimeter or two a day — vertical growth, I’m talking about. I feel like, if I’m watching for a while, I can see it, I don’t know, stretching. Kind of weirds me out, to be honest. 


BS: Fascinating. Fascinating content. But alas, I referred more toward No Contact — tell us a bit about that, if you would. 



EA: Oh, right, that makes sense. Well… Okay, let me explain a bit.  I was watching this show last night as I worked, this show on HBO called “The Deuce”, where — 

BS: And, to be clear, that’s the porn show?

EA: …Well it’s a show about porn. I mean, it’s not even really about the porn, it’s about… it’s not… look, I don’t know how we got here. But I wanted to say, on this show — 

BS: The porn show. 



EA: —they’re starting up this business— 

BS: A porn business, presumably. 

 

EA: —and, uh, the one character says: “Every day, this thing takes another step out of the forest.” And I thought that was a nice way of looking at it, you know? Every day, this thing that we started in the early days of quarantine, it takes another step. I don’t know, was that a good reference? It’s starting to sound a little obvious. 

BS: Out of the forest, yes, spot on. And I’m sure that “forest” has nothing to do with the, hm, erotic connotations.  

EA: None at all, yeah, that’s correct. 



BS: Splendid, splendid. 

Elliot, we’ve careened past the “five-hundred word” marker, so I’d like to focus now on the future, while we have space. What can we expect from No Contact, looking on? 

EA: Bennie, I’m so glad you asked. And I’d love to Tom Holland this interview right now, you know, just — spill the surprises and then act all “oops, but hey I’m so charming, I’m the charming new Spiderman guys, let me shoot my charm webs all over you!”

BS: I’d prefer, if possible, that we remain on point. 



EA: Right, right. So, I can’t say much here. We announce news as soon as we can! Please keep checking — we’re going to have some brand-new areas of content, bigger opportunities, and maybe a couple treats this fall. 

Also, [grabs the mic so breath is audible] big shoutout to our fantastic new mask-wearing faces at No Contact: Associate Editor Madeline Garfinkle, Features Editor Sophia Frank, Reviews Editor Becky Shirley, and Assistant Editor Giulia Di Stravola. Steps out of the forest! 



BS: [Physically wrestles the mic out of Elliot’s hands] Again, if you would, please, remain on point. 

Ahem. Ah, well. As that bottom of page draws near, I would like to offer, a final question. What is your “pull-quote”?

EA: A pull-quote? Is there even a good pull-quote for this one? Or is that getting too meta? 

BS: Splendid, splendid. Well, it appears we have run out of words, so please, let’s a give a warm round of “you wrote this” to our guest, and your editor, Mr. Elliot Alpern.  

EA: Thanks so much for your time, Bennie, and thanks all. Stay tuned for more!