Ask and Answer: Specifying Today
How might I pursue culturally and personally appropriate self-care as a woman of color whose family of origin was very indoctrinated in western ways, yet also recognized our own cultures' achievements?
Dear Fellow Human:
I love this question! As humans, we are impacted by and live our lives within multiple cultural spheres. Our awareness of culture (our own identifications and the environments that surround us) influences ethical choices around self-care. Let’s talk a little bit about the concept of self-care as a whole, and then dive into your question from that framework.
My definition of self-care is 1) something I can do for myself today; 2) that is loving and nourishing; 3) and is respectful toward myself and others. Let’s unpack each of these a little more.
Something I can do today. Specifying “today” may sound a little strange, but it helps us remember that self-care should respond to a want or need, and those can change day to day, hour to hour. It suggests that we check in by asking ourselves “what would feel good now?”
That is loving and nourishing. This language reminds us that self-care is not the same thing as self-improvement or self-discipline. Going for a run because it is scheduled, even if you’re not in the mood, is a different experience than heading out for a run because you feel restless and feel compelled to move your body in that moment. This language also helps us avoid the trap of dressing up negative assessments as self-care. Nourishing activities always add something to our experience – the reverie of a good book or the relaxation offered by a good bath are increasing good feelings. The health and wellness industrial complex often suggests activities that deprive us of good feelings yet are dressed up as self-care (like dieting or spending money on subpar products).
Respectful toward myself and others. This language reminds us of the principle “do no harm” – or as is often the next best option, “educate myself so I’m not perpetuating harm unaware.” Asking myself whether activities are loving and nourishing is a great way to make sure I am practicing self-respect. I also consider self-respect to be doing what feels personally appropriate rather than what is considered “best for most people.” In offering respect to others, I appreciate thinking about culture, particularly the difference between cultural appropriation and appreciation. Appropriation is when those from the dominant culture who hold institutional power (in North America the dominant culture is shorthand for capitalism, white-supremacy, and patriarchy) take practices from another culture (by nature, those with less institutional power) for personal benefit. Appreciation is learning about features from a culture other than one’s own as a way of expanding knowledge and understanding, and gives credit to those who created and tend to those traditions.
Fellow Human, with this definition of self-care and within the context of your identification as a WOC who feels aligned with, or at least partly identified with multiple cultures, let’s return to your question.
What self-care practices are available to me? This question will eventually help you answer the question “what do I need now?” by doing the preparatory work of identifying your resources. Consider self-care practices that have been practiced by all cultural groups that you identify with, remembering that self-care attends to body, mind, and spirit (I often think of spirit as our humanity). Consider self-care that is offered by the culture in power, noting that White-supremacy culture has a history of appropriating self-care practices. When considering activities that are widely offered in North America like yoga, specific massage techniques, or meditation retreats, try to identify where those practices originated, and which communities are the carriers of that knowledge.
Which of these options are congruent with my values? Once you know what self-care options are available to you, consider which ones are congruent with your personal values and which are not. Most often, this is relevant when thinking about self-care practices that happen in relationship with others, particularly learning from teachers or using resources (time and money, for example) in exchange for the self-care support. This is when I think a lot about shared values (Does this massage therapist go over consent and touch practices before a session? Does this therapist offer sliding-scale fees?).
Assessing what feels loving and nourishing: Keep track of how well your self-care practices are meeting your needs. I tend to get into habits that outgrow their usefulness. Purposefully checking in about how I feel after and during self-care activities is really helpful. There are periods of time when taking long walks feels great, and other times that I am better meeting my needs by lying on the floor and stretching for a few minutes. If you are paying for classes or supportive self-care services, check in with yourself about the relational aspects of the shared space: do these teachers or providers work from a place of respect for their skill? Do they offer personal expertise and also credit their mentors and the origin of their craft? Are various accessibility issues addressed that make services widely available? Are people treated respectfully and with equity of care? Importantly, for people of color, individuals with disabilities, or anyone who experiences the stress and violence of simply living in an oppressive dominant culture, self-care in shared spaces necessarily addresses and validates these realities and offers antidotes through community and shared, liberatory values.
I also want to acknowledge that many people don’t have a lot of information about their own cultural heritage or practices. North America’s perpetration of chattel slavery, immigration assimilation, and forced acculturation of indigenous and first-nations communities have left many people with no record of, or limited information about, their multi-generational lineage, or cut off from cultural practices that were lost to acculturation. Other common reasons that people lose access to ancestral information include adoption, separation from family in early childhood, and varied record-keeping practice. It is important to note that that one need not draw only from one’s own cultural background to engage in ethical self-care. Learning from our chosen communities, caregivers, and healers will also guide us toward what is loving and nourishing when we approach these offerings from a place of curiosity and respect.
All good wishes on your self-care journey. Until next time.
