Ben Affleck Characters Ranked by Likelihood of Post-Apocalypse Survival
3 A.M.
by Elliot Alpern
Imagining the Earth after apocalypse, and all iterations of Ben Affleck surviving (or not!) therein — a scholarly approach. Non-human Ben Afflecks are not to be considered (see: Bartleby the fallen angel, “Dogma”). Some inferior Ben Affleck movies have also not been considered, purely at the author's (questionable) discretion.
(First to be Gone)
Larry Gigli, “Gigli”
I want to be clear that I’ve never seen this train wreck of a movie, but from what I can understand, I’d like to think that Larry Gigli would violently explode in the first few minutes of any good film, let alone any true apocalypse.
Nick Dunne, “Gone Girl”
This is perhaps one of the weakest men in all film history. Constantly outwitted, frequently couch-ridden, Nick Dunne would barely survive a six-hour power outage.
Holden McNeil, “Chasing Amy”
Spoiler alert, if you can spoil a twenty-year-old movie — this flick is named after a comic book Holden writes, portraying his relationship with the titular Amy. There, you’ve basically watched the whole movie, and you can probably guess Holden’s odds in life-threatening situations.
George Reeves, “Hollywoodland”
What a depressing film. But unfortunately George Reeves did die in real life, and none of the possible explanations for his demise bode particularly well for trying times (such as the end of the world, for example).
Chuckie Sullivan, “Good Will Hunting”
Okay, so Chuckie works in construction, which I think lends him a small bevy of hand-skills. But also, I have a feeling he’s just, too, dumb. I mean, his entire role exists as a foil to Good Will’s intelligence. He exists to be dumb. And dumbness tends to get you killed in the wildlands.
Fred O’Bannion, “Dazed and Confused”
Look, we all hate this small-town doofus, but the dude’s already equipped with a trusty one-handed weapon (paddle), and he’s filled with that white-paint berserker rage. He might be going places.
Ollie Trinké, “Jersey Girl”
Can you believe that’s his name? Ollie works construction just like the younger Chuckie Sullivan, but Ollie has real, true motivation — he’s got a Jersey Girl to keep alive. Or Girls? Who was the actual Jersey Girl? Regardless, Ollie’s got the benefit of wise mystical sage George Carlin; invaluable on its own.
Matt Murdock, “Daredevil”
Yeah, we get it, he’s a superhero. But Matt Murdock fights entirely within the mechanisms of society, dealing justice to criminals by night and prosecuting them by day. Has anyone ever seen him outside Hell’s Kitchen? In the countryside at all? No. He meditates and sleeps at his Penthouse apartment and parkours all up and down the fire escapes, and I see that as a somewhat limited skillset.
Tony Mendez, “Argo”
Yeah, if this were a list of problematic roles for Ben Affleck, put this right near the top. As it stands, Mr. Mendez is a bright guy with CIA training, so you have to think he has a clue. But the “Argo” plan, by all accounts, just shouldn’t have worked, and I see his Rube-Goldberg survival strategies proving to be somewhat detrimental.
A.J. Frost, “Armageddon”
Wow, what a badass name. Survival points on name alone. There’s also the fact that this movie is literally called “Armageddon”, and A.J. certainly has the mechanical skills to bring value for some post-world settlement. But, come on, we all know Bruce Willis was the true survivalist here.
Douglas “Doug” MacRay, “The Town”
Do we really need to put Doug in quotes like it’s some ridiculous nickname? This isn’t Douglas “Manimal” MacRay. Regardless — ol’ “Doug” has a background in violent crime, is flush with cash, and more importantly, maintains that patchwork of community support (sort of). That’s all too important once the dust settles.
Rafe McCawley, “Pearl Harbor”
This guy survived the attack on Pearl Harbor and all three hours of this colossal snooze fest. A member of the greatest generation, and a pilot with some combat training, I can see Rafe flying off into a radioactive sunset. Plus, he gets those bonus “cool guy name” points, back before cool guy names were even a thing..
Jack Ryan, “The Sum of All Fears”
That’s right folks — back before Jim from The Office decided to play Mr. Soldier as Jack Ryan on Amazon Prime, this was Ben Affleck’s gig. And this version of Jack Ryan already survives what is essentially an apocalypse, of sorts. All else aside, the man-with-two-first-names understands exactly how the world ends, and it’s with a very big bang. I’m putting most of my bets on his preparation skills.
Bruce Wayne/Batman, DC Films
This was probably fairly obvious, but needs to be said. Bruce Wayne has enough money for a full cul-de-sac of New Zealand apocalypse bunkers, and then some. Meanwhile, enter Batman, possibly the most self-capable entity for the end-of-days. Honestly, this is getting me really hungry for a Batman: Apocalypse movie. Get it done Tarantino.
(Last to be Gone)