Jugableach: As Seen on TV!
by Elliot Alpern
3 A.M.
BAM! WOWZA!
Hi, Elliot Alpern here with Jugableach, the one-stop solution for maybe-sanitizing the dangerous world around you!
Jugableach is not a sanitizer, but an eyeballed blend of fine artisan bleach and local Manhattan waters — mixed by special whiskologists in our very own bathroom laboratory! Our recipes are loosely measured, and changing by the day.
Jugableach can be applied to any surface; even those you might not expect! WOW! Let’s take a look, you won’t believe how easy it is. Watch — grab a wad of any old paper towel-ish thing and dip into the patent-pending JugableachX applicator jug. If your fingertips get a bit bleachy*, that is probably A-OK.
Now see — just grab any old thing! WHAM, packages, ZAM, magazines, it’s just that easy folks. Leave everything to dry for twenty to thirty minutes and KABLOOZERS — your items might be sanitized in no time!
What, order a little Chipotle? Maybe Mom’s tired, she doesn’t feel like cooking, ahhhh just kidding you fat pig who cares! It’s the end of the world! Just dunk your hands* in Jugableach and give that burrito a tender little rub-down.
Oops, was some of that burrito unwrapped? Drip a little Jugableach on your tortilla? Wait til you hear this — it’s possible bleach might be safe to consume in very diluted quantities, I think. I don’t know! I feel like I read that once! The point is, it’s probably 100% edible and effective*.
Let’s hear from some of the many Jugableach satisfied customers around the world!
“Wait, you just keep a jug of bleach in your living room? Do you have a lid on it? The lid has holes? Won’t you like, get sick from the fumes or something?” — Nathaniel Berry
“…Huh? What? What time is it?” — Gauraa Shekhar
“Hands down, best product I’ve ever seen, no question!” — Bennie Salazar^
WOW! That’s the sound of Jugableach sweeping the nation!
BUT WAIT! DON’T STOP READING! Email now and you’ll get — not one — but two Jugsableach for the price of one! Oh sweet Jesus I don’t even think we can stay in business with this deal; surely there is some mistake! Friends, I think you better get in while the guys upstairs are tied up, by god, we will be bankrupt by the morning!
Now I know we’ve seen a lot of magic here today, but I would be remiss in my solemn responsibilities here as the Jugableach Man if I didn’t bring one more holy grail into the equation.
That’s right,
Ladies and Gentlemen,
It’s One Entire Bag of Berry Menthol Cough Drops.
Watch what we do with this little puppy right here.
Got the late night hunger pangs, and don’t want to lift a finger? BAM! Let’s say you’re stuck in Zoom meetings and dining-table office-work, you can’t ever remember to add lunch meals to your Instacarts, your life is in shambles, WHAM! What a relief! That sweet, berry tang that just eats away at all of your enamel!
Wow folks, I don’t even know how we’re offering this deal, it’s almost like we ordered a box of cough drops on Amazon and didn’t check how many bags would be inside until it was too late! What a colossal fuck-up of oversight!
And yooooouuuuuuu get to reap the rewards!
That brings the total order to Two Standard-Size Jugsableach, One Entire Bag of Berry Menthol Cough Drops — and if you email within the next thirty seconds, we’ll go ahead and throw in The Throw Pillow That I Sometimes Cry Into! WOW! WHAT A BLINDING HOT DEAL! Twenty five seconds now — better be quick, because I will not let that go easily.
We are eagerly awaiting your orders! Once an invoice is received, we here at Jugableach will realize that we have not calculated any costs or prices yet, and we will totally not make up a number that sounds reasonable!
I don’t even know why you’re hesitating at this point — yeah, you! I see you! With your fingers on the, the, and you’re, uh, you’re probably sitting, right? No? Look it doesn’t matter, just trust me!
Jugableach is the only way to know that your items and surfaces are sanitized, probably, and also you could definitely try to eat off them!
Jugableach is the right decision for you!
___
*Jugableach and No Contact Magazine are not liable for injuries, chemical-burn or otherwise, incurred with the use of Jugableach products. We do not condone the consumption of Jugableach or improper (/proper) use of Jugableach.
^Bennie Salazar is a paid spokesperson for Jugableach, and also, is a sourdough starter.