Haunted House
by Kristen Cleghorn
EXT. DILAPIDATED, WIND-WORN MANSION: NIGHT
KELLY and SAM, two women in their late 20s, stand in front of a mansion outside the city.
KELLY
The murder house, huh. We're sure we're going to do this?
SAM
We paid $500 to spend the night here. Don't be ridiculous.
Nothing's gonna happen.
KELLY
Fine, let's go.
INT. MANSION FOYER
The two enter. A loud BANG sounds as the door swings shut behind them. A HOT GHOST swoops into the foyer.
SAM
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
KELLY
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The girls sprint into the next room.
INT: SITTING ROOM
Kelly and Sam catch their breath after seeing their first real ghost.
KELLY
YOU SAID NOTHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN!
SAM
Oh, I'm sorry! Ghosts are real I guess, MY FUCKING BAD!
KELLY
It's just a lot to take in.
SAM
OK, OK, we're fine. But...am I crazy? That ghost was kinda hot, right?
A SHIRTLESS GHOST with sweat dripping off his undead body swoops into the room, startling them.
SHIRTLESS GHOST
WHO DARES PENETRATE OUR HOME?
KELLY
Holyyyy SHIIIIIIIT
SAM
(staring at ghost's abs)
Ok...it's kinda weird he said "penetrate," right?
KELLY
Leave us alone!
The shirtless ghost swoops out of the room.
SAM
Tell me that you're picking up on this.
KELLY
ANOTHER FUCKING REAL-LIFE GHOST? Yeah I saw it. I can't believe this place is actually haunted!
They walk into the next room.
INT: DINING ROOM
A GHOST WOMAN and a SULKY GHOST MAN creep up behind them.
GHOST WOMAN
Leave this place or I'll rip your insides out, hand across my heaving breast!
SULKY GHOST MAN
The things I'll do to your body if you don't leave!
SAM
(very practical)
Kelly, I know the slight differences in what they're saying are subtle, but surely you're getting some of this.
Kelly, in complete hysterics, drags Sam to the next room.
INT: KITCHEN
KELLY
Sam, I don't want to stay here anymore. Ghosts are real. I want to go home.
SAM
I work at the Buca di Beppo in Times Square. We're not leaving until we get our money's worth.
They both look up at the sound of a sinister creak coming from the pantry door.
KELLY
Oh no... isn't this the room where that servant girl scooped out that guy's eyes with a spoon and served them to the family?!
A DEAD YOUNG WOMAN steps out of the pantry and walks toward them.
KELLY
OH MY GOD SHE'S HOLDING THE SPOON! Ewww, it's dripping blood everywhere!
The ghost slowly licks the blood off of the spoon, pulling it in and out of her mouth, refusing to break eye contact with Sam.
SAM
Okay, Kelly--this is clearly… she's practically blowing that spoon.
KELLY
Sam, oh my god! How many more signs do you need to leave?!
Kelly pulls Sam up the stairs. The steps bring them to a long hallway, where ghostly moaning echoes off the walls. Out of curiosity, Sam tentatively pushes open the first door.
INT: DRAWING ROOM
TWO GHOSTS on a dilapidated Victorian fainting couch are completely going at it.
KELLY
(instinctively)
Oh my god! We're sorry--
ONE OF THE GHOSTS
(gesturing)
Come on in!
Kelly slams the door and quickly collects herself.
SAM
'I'm sorry,' that's all you're going to say about that?
Sam, exasperated and wanting to prove a point, drags Kelly as far as they can go, to the end of the hallway and up a narrow set of very dusty stairs. The old, heavy door has a stereotypically large keyhole they take turns peering through.
KELLY
It doesn't seem like there's anyone in there.
SAM
'Anyone'??
KELLY
Listen, they're still PEOPLE.
Kelly opens the door.
INT: MASTER BEDROOM
It's quiet. Too quiet. A lanky undead GHOST #2 appears in the doorway and leans against it.
KELLY
(whispering)
Okay, Sam, don't think this is gross... is that ghost hot?
Ghost #2 lunges across the room and grabs Sam by the neck, lifting her up the wall with inhuman strength. She begins to choke. Kelly screams and drops the flashlight, running as fast as she can out of the house.
SAM
(with her last breath)
Haarrrdddeeerrr
BLACKOUT.
Kristen Cleghorn is an artsy-type person living in Brooklyn. She works in advertising by day and watches Jeopardy by night. She likes reading, the Fast and Furious franchise, and most especially getting mad at strangers on the internet and then thinking about it in the middle of the night weeks later.
